urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:icehawk11 icehawk11 icehawk11 2005-05-01T18:26:58Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:icehawk11:2449 2005-05-01T18:26:58Z 2005-05-01T18:26:58Z So lets talk about how my life sucks since thats all i usually do when i talk in here...<br /><br />I love her so much, she is the most perfect girl. Her body is the most amazing body I have ever seen. I have been fantasizing about the times when we would lay around and make love and hang out all day long. It was usually sundays bc we would be drunk saturday night and so we would hang out all day sunday, and that would consist of sex, food, sex, cuddle and sex again. She is the most amazing in bed too, the orgasms I had when with her could never compare to any I have ever had in my life. Its so hard to think of an amazing orgasm because each one seems to top the last one. So I had the most perfect girl in bed a man could ever have, always up for pleasing me or being pleased 24/7 and I blew it. Making love to her was amazing physically as well as emotionally and spiritually. No matter how much I had on my mind or how many things were going wrong at the time, making love to her would clear my mind of all thoughts except her. I could never fantasize about another girl or some famous celeb when with her bc I would be so into her its crazy. I need her so bad, not for the physical aspect, but because of how much she means to my soul even. I know now that we are soul mates. You dont get many of them in your life. I know we each have one right now besides one another. <br /><br />I know she talks and hangs out with her ex, and I am just so jealous. Jealous of the fact that I know he treats her the way she should be treated...the way I want to treat her the rest of her life. They talk all the time and it hurts to think of them getting back together or even hooking up once in a while. But then again, thats my fault, its all my fault. I fucked up everything, maybe even my life, my future wiht the most amazing girl i have ever known and will know. <br /><br />My old ex was easy to get over. She cheated on me and broke my heart. She is different, there is no way I could ever hate her or not want to love her. I love her so much this sucks. Again, I cried myself to sleep last nite after going out and having a fun night wiht some great friends. Im so lost without her I love her so fucking much...life fucking sucks...i'll talk more later... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:icehawk11:2257 2005-04-25T04:46:17Z 2005-04-25T04:46:17Z So lets see...i made her a cd which was so tough for me to make. I cried while making it. I still cry every time i watch it. I dropped that and a dozen roses off at her door. I got a thank you on the roses and did not hear anything about the cd I made her. That kinda hurt bc of all the time and effort i put into something like that. I dont know, ive cried myself to sleep almost every single night. Ive broken down, and have noone to turn to. As much as i didnt realize it, she was my best friend. I relied on her for so much and never knew it, i was just an asshole who took it all for granted. I had such an amazing, beautiful girl...one who i dont think can and will ever be toppped in my life, and now its gone...<br /><br />But i refuse to go down with out a fight. I refuse to give up on her, to give up on a future with her. She has been rather cold lately, which i dont blame her. Its her way of being able to get rid of me, why should she want to get close to me again. I am writing her a letter which i will drop off tomorrow. I will see what kind of a response, if any i get out of her. I am in such a bind because a part of me wants to show her how much i really care and how much i love her and miss her. Yet i also know she needs time away from me, time away from us. Im scared that if i give her that time, she'll growth further and further away from me until there is nothing left. I refuse to give up on the greatest girl i have ever come across. Yea we have our good days and our bad days. We have amazing sex, making love to her is quite possibly the greatest feeling in the world, actually, 2nd to cuddling with her. Ive never had ag irl ive enjoyed sleeping with so much. Just laying with her, seeing her when i wake up, wrapping my arms around her perfect stomach and perfect body. God damn, this is so tough to type, im even crying as i type this. Every time i talk to her, my heart pounds away and my hands shake. I dont know whats worth fighting for...listening to linkin park right now....<br /><br />I dont knwo what to do, i hope tomorrow goes better and contains less tears...i love her so much, i dont know what im going to do...until tomorrow.... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:icehawk11:1930 2005-04-18T03:31:40Z 2005-04-18T03:31:40Z Seems like whenever my life goes in the shitter, I come back to this. Anyway, here is the summary. My life as I know it, is going to change drastically. I have 27 days left in my college life. Schoolwork is piling on, and to top it all off, i threw away the one thing that has been so important in my life for the past two years. Although we have had good time and bad, she has been my lifeline, my pulse. No matter how upset or stressed I was, i knew that I could hold her in my arms, squeeze her, and things would just disappear and I would be in a different world. But I figured, you know what, thats not important...you dont need that...and thus threw it all in the god damn trash. She has never been so right...currently, I dont deserver her, nor anybody at this point. I am not the kind of person who gets depressed, and right now, I am really scared. With losing contact with so many people in just a few weeks, going home, starting to find a job...shit is really scary. I guess I was just hoping our relationship could limp along for a few more weeks, and then things were going to take a big change. Instead, I have no such luck, actually...im lucky to have even gotten this far with things. I guess I shouldnt have my hopes up, I asked for a 2nd chance, and just pissed it all away...<br /><br />And all i can think about now is...why didnt i bring her a rose or two randomly. Why didnt I take her to dinner, or just for a walk. Why havent I played field hockey with her? Why have I just sat around, watched movies and poked fun? Why have I been wasting away not only my life, but hers as well? All of this shit is stuff I should have been doing for the past 24 months on a consitant basis. Shes the one person I can probably trust and probably will ever trust in this forsaken world..why couldnt I do that? I know I dont have much money, but whatever I have should be spent on her, not on my selfish piece of shit self. I just dont know...im scared...but I must go... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:icehawk11:1782 2004-10-31T08:13:12Z 2004-10-31T08:13:12Z So I know its been a while since I have made an entry. Tomrorow i will explain why, but right now I am at M's. I really dont know anymore, my life just sux. Yesterday she just totally ditched me to hang out with another guy, who I found out, is not high on other ladies charts which bothers me so much more. But as I lay her with her, her smell, her beauty, her touch, are just amazing right now. Words cannot describe how my stomach feels. And yet, there is so much hurt. The fact that as she lay her with me, less than 24 hours ago, she was doing the same with someone else. I dunno, it hurts so much, but the love will never die. Shit just sucks, so depressed right now stalking on this thing, yet im gonna go in her room rightnow, and lay next to her and it will be the greatest feeling in the world. I am the biggest dickhead inthe world, how could I have ever blown something so great as her. Now she has guys druling over her, and shes druling over them, and im left in the cold. Oh well, i deserve everything I get...thats life, what goes around comes around....i fuckin hate life right now....we urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:icehawk11:1488 2004-10-24T04:21:49Z 2004-10-24T04:21:49Z So M and I had a nice conversation the other night after my last post. I mean, it wasnt like the most perfect conversation because shit still sucks. She was still all about not wanting to be together, not wanting to really hang out and all. I stayed over there the other night, and slept on the couch. So she tells me on the phone that she wanted to tell me to stay with her in bed, but was afraid. What I had hoped would happen all nigth, she thought of, but just didnt say anything. I dunno, things just suck..like i know a part of her wants to be together, can just see it in her eyes and her voice, but a larger part of her doesnt want to be with me. I have a feeling that its because of someone else in her life, but it does feel good that she still cares. When I got burned last summer by that relationship, i think what hurt more was all the hatred she had for me, and how evil she really was to me. It means a lot to me that M still does care about me, whether she knows it or not. Just sucks because I'd like to know more about what shes doing and who shes hanging out with, but shes too afraid to tell me. Like if shes chillen with mike, i'd like to know, but I know she would never tell me that at all, like tonight which is where I think she is now. Its cool though because she has no obligation to tell me. I tried calling her twice tonight, and texting her, and have gotten no response. Her away message says she has been in the shower for the past 3 hours, so I just hope she is ok. <br /><br />On a happy note, we won our game today 4-3. Yours truly scored the game winner with a few minutes left in the game, and its always a great win when you beat Temple. Ok, well im off to bed, my ribs are killing me from being slashed to hell..oh well, just one more thing for me to bitch about. I might have some visitors next weekend which would definitely be good, always nice to have people drive to see you for a night, feels like some people still want to see you. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:icehawk11:1261 2004-10-22T04:23:55Z 2004-10-22T04:23:55Z Yeah, just figured i'd add in here the thoughts of the past few hours of M. I am going to close my eyes and type what comes to my head in the next few moments. In no specific order:<br /><br /><br />Her smile, her hair, her eyes, mario kart nights, skirts, movies, cuddling, love, field hockey, car stickers, music, the beach, warped tour, ice hockey games, baseball games, brothers, sadness, sisters, awakening next to you, snoring, cuddling, love, holding her, making love, drunken nights, taking care of you, initiation, summer party, first kiss, taking a chance, bowling, seaside, poker nights, beer pong, new years eve, picutres, beauty, eyes that can melt me, perfect body, rough times, arguements, making up, tears, joy, great adventure, lemonade fights, snow cone fights, buckets of water, little notes, south street, livejournal, poems, diary, secrets, love, christmas, taco bell, long talks, beauty, sims, movies, office space, lord of the rings, butterfly effect, long drives, running, swimming pool, rabbits in pool, playing field hockey together, love, cuddlin on the beach, making love under the stars, being alone, being together, roomates, naps, parties, laughing, smiling, bus trips, blonde comments, tickling, wrestling, taking care of you when sick, listening, believing, supporting, loving, warmth, friendship, dinner, cafeteria smuggling, ic ehockey formal, beautiful dress, beautiful smile, stunning pictures, cute pictures, naked pictures, hot showers together, walking to class, stealing clothes, utopia, alarms, own ringer, morning breathe, love, warmth, trust, forgiveness, sleeping, sleepovers, safety, walking you to your car, warming up your car, text messages, late night phone calls, drunken phone calls, parents, self confidence, self recognition, schoolwork, projects, design, painting of tara reid, colored lights, posters, "blood and death", deadaim, camera phone, christmas lights, chimp picture, fat chicks, beauty, love, computer, always hungry, most beautiful legs, her smell after hockey practice, her taste, her smell, philadelphia, love<br /><br /><br />That was a few minutes, im now going to talk on the phone. Then go to bed, goodnight for now... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:icehawk11:782 2004-10-22T02:23:49Z 2004-10-22T02:23:49Z I hate being alone, its quite honestly the worst feeling in the world to me. At first, I thought that with M it wasnt that I was missing her, it was that I was just missing that something in general. But after a little time apart, I have never felt so strong for M before since we met. What sucks, is that I know she has moved on, and that I have been replaced. She won't admit it because she doesn't want to hurt me, but that has definitely got to be the worst feeling. You are told that you are being dumped because she wants to be on her own, and wants to be independant, and that she just wants to focus on field hockey, work, and school...and then you read something along the lines of, "so jealous of M, since she has R now". I mean, that shit just sucks, and that just absolutely put a dagger into my stomach. <br /><br />So i stayed over her appartment last night. Was not planning on it but we hung out until 3:00am and I was way too tired to drive home that late. It was definitely a mistake. I dont know why, but after i layed down, I was just hoping that she would have come out to just hop on the couch with me, or invite me into her room. But reality set in, i cried a little bit, and fell asleep. Woke up around 7, and was awake with nothing to do. I walked to her door and saw her laying in her bed asleep, and that dagger got shoved into my stomach once again. She looked so unbelievably beautiful, and there was nothing I can do. Theres not enough money in the world that I would give to just lay there one night with her and have her cuddle up on my chest once again and lay together with her, stroking her hair and back as she sleeps. But to know that she once would have done anything for tha moment as well, and I took that for granted hurts so much that words can neveer describe. <br /><br />So instead, im left to just rot in my own misery. Yeah, its not like my life is over, and im going to go and do something dumb, but as far as love and being with someone, I am definitely in a big pile of shit just swimming around in it. And the shit, is my shit because I am definitely the one to blame for all of this. Yea she made some mistakes, but with the things that have happened, I deserver every last bit of hurt I get. <br /><br /><br />Oh, and the other thing shes says to me last night, "I dont want to hurt you". What am I supposed to say to that?? My response was, "Guess thats whta you have to do" Today I sat in class and in my appartment thinking of 812,590,438,034,492 different things that I could have and should have said but didnt. <br /><br />Anyway, I have other situations to vent about, but no need to do that tonight. Going to shower, turn on a movie, most likely Return of the King, and just go to bed. I fucking hate life right now. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:icehawk11:589 2004-10-19T15:52:24Z 2004-10-19T15:52:24Z Damn you.<br />I miss the nights we were together.<br />I miss the sex.<br />I miss the cuddling.<br />I miss the "I love you"'s<br />I miss the sweet names.<br /><br />Look what you have done. I hope you're happy.<br /><br />I'm trying.<br />I am trying<br />I am trying to move on. <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Last night was a rough night for me. I very rarely break down, and I think that last night was the first time i really cried over things with her. To read that she is or was already with another person and already moved on hurt me in a way I cant even put into words. It hurt that she couldnt tell me about him, then again, it hurt when she did tell me about him. Its one of those things that you want to know, but hurts like hell and wish you never found out. Shit just really sucks right now, I'm totally lost...I've never felt this alone before. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:icehawk11:319 2004-10-18T07:16:32Z 2004-10-18T07:16:32Z Funny, never thought i'd sign up for it. Let's have some fun with this. Drop me some lines and maybe we can talk.